I cannot believe we are still waiting. I'm overwhelmed by the fact that we were given a referral for a sweet 4 month old baby boy so many months ago. It has been 6 months since we accepted the referral for Jude, and here we are today, one life-changing trip and a whole lot of tears, later.
I could lie to you all and tell you it's all okay. I will say that the good days outweigh the bad, but there are days, like today, that I have trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. It seems like our turn is never going to come. I read about and watch other families pass court and travel to bring their babies home, and I'm exceedingly happy for those precious children. I know it's out of our hands and that God can make all things good and that His timing is perfect and IT'S NOT ABOUT ME! I just have to rely on positive self-talk most days.
This is all stirring inside me today, because we were once again contacted by our home-study agency with a reminder that our home study ONCE AGAIN is going to expire in 2 months. There is a good likelihood that we will have to renew, to the tune of $400+, more fingerprints, more home-visits, and paperwork. We are still figuring out our specific case, but I remember getting the same reminder a year ago and being not-so-happy about it.
It's on the minds of our children, too. This morning, we were driving Evan to school, all 6 of us (me, 3 of my children, +2 boys I take care of). It is not a quiet ride, to say the least. Sophie piped up and said, "Mom, we should get Jude a little shirt for Christmas." I told her that was a great idea. We decided he could open it when he comes home, regardless of when. She continued, "Yeah, and we should get him a train, and a ball, and a school, and a bird, and the moon, and a road, and a sidewalk to the school, and a car." It made me smile. She wants to give him the world. Me, too.
I remember reading this prayer from another friend's Facebook page a while back, and it seems so fitting to my life.
"Lord, work on me in the waiting. Prepare me. Strip me of my agenda. Shatter my plans into a million pieces."
So, that's my prayer today. And tomorrow. And the next day.